


it was a whim (or it was not)

by royalgreen (allyoop)



Series: Fictober 2020 [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Feelings Realization, Ficlet, Fictober 2020, Fluff, Fluff and Feels, Internal Monologue, M/M, Pining, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:40:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26800783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allyoop/pseuds/royalgreen
Summary: Essek buys a little cat figurine. It was absolutely definitely not because it reminded him of Caleb.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Series: Fictober 2020 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1954570
Comments: 7
Kudos: 98





	it was a whim (or it was not)

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: "on a whim".

Essek didn't know why he had bought it. 

Well, that wasn’t entirely truthful (and he was, after all, trying to practice more  _ honesty _ in his life lately). He had bought the small cat figurine because it reminded him of Caleb. And thinking of Caleb had made the words “and how much for that?” spring from his lips before he could stop to think. The merchant had given him a surprised smile and rambled on about how the little figurine was carved by his daughter and how even though his shop sold mostly paper and ink, he was so proud of her developing skills that he wanted to carry a few in his shop for any patron of good taste. He kept rambling on and Essek was only half listening as he fetched the right amount of coin with a snap of his fingers and placed it on the countertop. The merchant asked if he wanted the figurine gift wrapped and Essek almost said yes, interrupted himself with a little cough, and then said no thank you. 

_ Gift wrap _ , Essek thought as he swept out of the store and back onto the streets of Rosohna,  _ was a step entirely too far. Was this even a gift? Why had he bought it? _

He was thankful for whatever sanity had returned to him enough to say ‘ _ no’ _ to that addition. It was already an unusual enough circumstance that the Shadowhand was out running his own errands, and he did not need to add whispered rumors of  _ gift giving _ to his day. Essek had spent too much of this week pacing his study and flipping through book after book, until his frustration had pushed him out his front doors towards the city center. And now he had a fresh supply of paper and ink in hand (figuratively, as he had immediately folded it into his pocket dimension), and the tiny weight of the figurine in his physical cloak pocket. Some nagging pull kept him from placing it into the dimension with the rest, and instead his hand kept ducking into the folds of his cloak to pat his pocket every so often, checking that it was still there as he walked.

Essek had no other pressing errands and his patience with the city was already growing thin. The streets always seemed too crowded and he was growing tired from every deferential nod or bow that happened when someone recognized him. A few were a little stiff or sarcastic, but Essek had no energy to toss the weight of his mantle around today; despite the annoyances that had led him quickly out of his tower, he wanted nothing more than to retreat back inside to think. 

_ Why had he bought that little cat? _

Tower doors closed behind him, arcane lock re-spelled, mantle off, and boot soles touching back on the ground as he walked towards his kitchen. It was still dusty and sadly underused, despite the Den Thelyss level of opulence with which it was constructed. Essek had much of the ground floor created on the small chance he would be called to host Den events or Bright Court obligations, but then he proceeded to deftly avoid such society standards nor ever invite anyone over. And thus the kitchen, dining room, and several salons lay dusty and devoid of much furniture beyond an uncomfortable chair or two. 

Until the Nein had pushed through his doors. Since then he attempted to spend a bit more time in his own kitchen, although he still preferred the speed and efficiency of a magic spelled snack, but the group had worn him down into agreement on one account. A flame-boiled kettle, although slower, somehow had a better truer taste than a quick spelled cup of tea.

Leaning against the counter as he waited for the leaves to unfurl and steep in the hot water, and feeling quite too fidgety to sit just yet, Essek let himself pull the wooden figure from his pocket and turn it slowly in his fingers.

It was rather well done, considering the young age he assumed this merchant’s daughter was from the gist of the conversation. The small size left some of the details crude, but the pointy ears and curved tail were unmistakable. The wood was golden brown and shined up with some wax so that it glowed a soft amber color even in the dim light of his kitchen. It was pure whimsy that had Essek exchange copper for cat so quickly. Whimsy and a tickling emotion in the back of his head he wasn’t quite sure of. 

It was something warm, something rare, something with a light dusting of freckles across his cheeks and bright blue eyes, something with a curtain of fiery hair that would fall forward across his face in such a way that tempted Essek to reach to tuck it back... something that was really a some _ one _ .

Essek placed the cat on the countertop, letting it stare at him silently as the truth he’d been dodging all day (and again, if he was practicing honesty, it had been tinting his edges much longer than that sole day) hit him with the clarity of light that he always avoided.

It was not a  _ whim _ . And this  _ was _ a gift he wanted to give.

Essek felt a bit like his own dusty kitchen. Underused and a little forgotten, but no, he was not mistaken. He now recognized these feelings for what they were.

“So,” he spoke aloud, looking at the little cat. “What to do with you now… what can I possibly do next?”

**Author's Note:**

> Holding myself accountable for fictober by posting them to ao3 in a timely manner :)
> 
> Thanks for every comment, kudos, and encouragement as always.
> 
> (As always, feel free to follow me on [tumblr](https://caleb-says-nein.tumblr.com/) for more critrole shenanigans)


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